Learning it the hard way

I can't hardly remember how I controlled my mind and stopped thinking of you the last time that you almost conquered it.I had difficulty focusing in my job and I can't even sleep since what you told me that very day kept on crossing my mind. It was like all the things you said was recorded and an unending replay has been programmed.But I got out of the situation on purpose.


Today, I am fighting over the same dilemma. However, this time you suited a place in my heart. I am being challenged once again but more complicated this time. It's not only in my mind you have settled but also in my heart. What must I do?


I have been searching for reasons why I should not like you.; looking for things to make me hate you. I have been comparing you to what I think that is best. I tried not to think of you. And I failed- this time.


I do not know how I got in this situation. Yet, right now I am hopeful of giving it a shot. I want to tell you everything I have in mind;how I really feel. But this thing scares me to death. I am so, so scared. I am scared that I realized it too late;scared that you don't feel the same you;scared that you have moved on.


I am sorry that I was so numb. I am sorry that I neglected you. I am sorry I did not listen. I am sorry that I let fear conquer me. It's just that I am frightened of being left behind. I have been left once and I don't want to be in that same picture.I am sorry if it took me a while to realize how much you mean to me.


For the past few days you were in my dreams. It was so lovely because I see us happy together. But it makes me sad because it was only a dream. Right now, I dream of you holding me tight;like you'll never let me go. Don't let me go. 


I hope you don't give up on me. Nobody knows me the way you know me. I hope I get a chance of telling you all these.


Make time for me.

Again

I can't find the right words to describe how I am feeling for the past few weeks. And these little struggles has been eating me; bringing out the worst in me. And I don't like it at all.

Sometimes I feel like it's just me being unlucky. But, I am so blessed with other things that some people do not have.And I am really really grateful for having those. So, it still says that I am not unlucky at all.

How about not having the things you always dream of?  These dreams had cost me time, effort, money and patience. Yet, it is still close to impossible. 

So, where should I place myself now? 

Again the path is unclear.

Again I feel like I am lost in the woods alone. Although some tells me that they are with me, shows effort in making me believe that they meant it, and yet leaves you after you did believe.

Again I have been fooled.

Again I stumble.

Again I lost the game.

Again I wanna quit. 

Again I am scared.

Again I am jealous.

Again I feel insecure.

But again, God loves me. This will all past. In time.